Yes, we put lead and arsenic in your tampons. Here's why.
A message from The Major Tampon Makers of America
A recent study published in the scientific journal “Environment International” found that over a dozen top-selling brands of tampons contain toxic metals, including arsenic and lead.
Let me start by saying no one loves women more than we do. Our team—Richard, Steven, Anthony, Greg, Chuck, John B., John M., John R., and myself, Todd—all have incredible relationships with the women in their lives. We are all husbands, fathers, generous lovers, and, most importantly, big-time feminists.
I’ll first address the topic of “toxic” metals. As active listeners, we are constantly listening to our women drone on and on about how weak and anemic they feel during their—is it okay to say “period” in here? Ok, per—Agh. Sorry. Let’s just say “time of the month.”
During a woman’s “time of the month,” she’s known to spill more than 700 thimbles of bright blue blood from her front butt. This can lead to dangerous levels of anemia, a problem we #girldads feel compelled to solve.
At first, we tried soaking tampons in buckets of steak tartare. When this did not imbue them with the desired levels of iron, we pivoted to wrapping the tampons in Zapped Bracelets. Women sure do love Zapped Bracelets! (Ladies, check the innermost folds of your tampons for a special Zapped discount code printed in fluorescent epoxy resin paint.)
Unfortunately, women found the insertion of these Zapped Wrapped™ Tampons to be unbearably painful (which we thought was a touch dramatic) so we went back to the drawing board.
Then, in a stroke of genius, John B. solved the problem: Driving past a junkyard one day, he saw a car crusher (ladies, that’s one of those giant machines that crushes cars) absolutely destroy a '68 Camaro. With a single tear streaming down his face (John B. always wanted a Camaro), he screamed, “Eureka!” and ran inside to speak with the junkyard owner about collecting the Camaro's scraps.
A week later, John B. managed to grind the Camaro's scraps into a fine metallic powder that could be folded into tampons...completely undetected. Thanks to John B., women can now comfortably stuff themselves with anemia-fighting metals AND have no idea they’re doing it!
Ok, on to the arsenic. Now, I know this looks bad, I do. But if you watch BritBox as much as my lump of a wife does, you’d know that women LOVE arsenic. It’s their favorite poison. After all, why do you think it’s called a “woman’s weapon"?
Furthermore, if you follow women’s news as closely as I do, you’d know that today’s women are under constant threat of violence, usually at the hands of men. Women no longer feel safe doing things we men don’t think twice about: walking home alone, parking in parking garages, standing uncomfortably close to strangers, etc.
The thought of my daughter being out there—vulnerable and unarmed—broke me. So when she turned 13, I locked her in the attic to protect her from the horrors of the outside world. She eventually broke out (probably to get to a nearby Zapped sale LOL) so I had to come up with a new plan.
Enter: arsenic tampons. Now, with her Poison Plugs™, my daughter can finally defend herself without having to viciously pepper spray some innocent man who probably didn’t realize he was being creepy.
Say a man approaches her at a bar. If she starts to feel uncomfortable, all she has to do is reach down, pull out her arsenic-laced tampon and drop it into his drink. In 5 to 7 minutes, he’ll start feeling sick (but not too sick—it’s a low dose. We don’t want to hurt the poor guy!), giving her plenty of time to escape, run up to the attic, and think about how she might have led him on.
I hope this answers all your questions. As always, please feel free to reach out with any future concerns to Susan Clark at 555-555-5555. Please note she is currently on maternity leave for like eveerrrrrrrrrrr 🙄 but we’ve asked that she keep an eye on things.
Best,
Todd, SVP of The Major Tampon Makers of America